Let’s smash
In the grand scheme of modern dating, sex comes easily for me - I don’t mean easily in the sense there is a sea of men “thirstin’ for dis p*ssy” (though not untrue in NY), but that I don’t feel awkward throwing a “I want to f*ck you” and bedding a man on the first date. Sex has, to an extent, become like shaking the hand (penis) of a super hot naked person.
Instead, intimacy, which is so intricately tied to vulnerability, comes in the form of plain language.
I like like you
I don’t remember the last time I said that to someone. Some form of “when are you gonna fuck me” has been recent and frequent, and I distinctly remember the last two “I love you”’s I’ve given too. But the canonical “Do you like me? Check yes or no” is like some fabled relic of the past, clothed in childhood innocence and dreamy nostalgia. Maybe that’s why the stage between sexts with a fuck buddy and declarations of love with a boyfriend feels so unsteady. Breaking that innocence is scary. But I’ve met a boy, and telling him I like him doesn’t feel that way.
We matched on Hinge
By “met,” I mean I’ve texted him far more than an aspiring fuqgirl should. By “met,” I mean we video called so I could make sure his voice didn’t give me the ick cause he was naive enough to add a voice prompt to his profile (Brief word of advice - don’t do this. It rarely hits). I haven’t actually met him, but I’ve already arranged for our first date to be dinner with my friends. I guess I’m a certain type of crazy that he seems to be okay with.
I’m going to be honest, there’s a lot of deja vu here. I also matched with Second Boy, the second boy I ever loved, right before Thanksgiving. We also texted every day until 3AM. I was also very nervous and very excited for our first date. Is this happening cause I’m on vacation with too much free time? Is Thanksgiving actually secretly the most romantic holiday of the year? It’s scary to think this is fake, because it feels too good to be real. But, it is different this time. I’m a year out instead of a month out from my last relationship. I have great friends, love my job, and the girlboss energy I project is real. So, even if our first date ends in flames, I know I’ll be okay, and that’s a new kind of security I haven’t had before.
So, in conclusion
There’s a beautiful simplicity in how I feel right now. Perhaps it’s cause I said I’d propose if he made me cum, and he didn’t run away. Maybe it’s cause we talk about holding hands like two dumb virgins who don’t know what sex is. It’s probably cause he reads this blog and compares me to Stephen King, and the praise goes straight into inflating my already too large ego. Regardless, as excited, nervous, happy, and horny as I am, I honestly don’t think I’ll be sad even if everything turns out to be a flop. The schoolyard crush is fun, and just knowing I can feel this way gives me a renewed sense of energy, hope, and potentially misguided trust in the Hinge algorithm.
So hi, New Boy, I know you’re reading this, and you’re excited too. Just want to say I like you, so check yes cause you like me too.