The breakup book
I bought this silly little notebook from a stationary store in Taiwan a few years back.
The art doesn’t make total sense, and the grammar is a bit off, but that’s honestly pretty representative of the contents inside. I only just now decided to call it “the breakup book” because that sounds cool, but really it’s drafts and more drafts and more drafts and more drafts of grand yet attempted-to-be-concise speeches I was going to tell the various men in my life.
Was every speech a breakup speech?
No.
Was every speech a laundry list of the needs I had that weren’t being met and how that made me feel?
Pretty much.
Was I scared there would be a breakup if I expressed what I needed?
Every. Single. Time.
And that sucks.
It’s not just the guy’s fault
I’m never quite sure if this is true or false or somewhere in between. The general consensus of fellow disgruntled women online is that the men (boys) I let inside of me are toxic and emotionally unavailable. The general consensus of my friends sometimes feels more like confirmation bias because they’re only getting my side of the story. The general consensus of my capricious inner monologue is usually “this is true because we both have something we can improve on, and a relationship is built by two people.”
However, I sometimes wonder if I excuse bad behavior because god forbid I’m being unreasonable. I mean, maybe I’m not seeing the effort they’re actually putting in. Maybe I’m also hurting them in ways I don’t recognize. And maybe, I could resolve this big amorphous blob of “upset” I feel on my own if they would just tell me what I’m doing wrong.
Instead, they say I’m perfect, but nobody’s perfect, so maybe, I’m nobody?
Fuck that. I’m somebody.
Here’s where we segue into my empowered, hell yeah, god is a woman speech
I’m somebody who’s funny and clever and witty.
I’m somebody who’s smart and eloquent and wise.
I’m somebody who is ambitious, but is also chill as fuck (this is false - I’m incredibly intense).
I’m somebody who loves being around people, is loved by other people, and loves making people feel loved.
I’m somebody who’s pretty good at knowing what I want and going for what I want, so, for the most part, I achieve what I want.
But honestly, I’m somebody who’s not as perfect as I say I am, but part of being perfect is knowing where you’re imperfect and that’s perfectly fine.
Let’s circle back to the book with a cover that has a man with a lemon on his head
As a somebody who’s on the path to perfection, I think it’s really easy to fall into the trap of demanding perfection from your partners. It’s probably why Hinge has such a huge list of preferences and dealbreakers locked behind a paywall. For the simple price of $34.99 a month, you can create your perfect W.E.A.L.T.H.Y. match:
Wealthy
Educated
Asian
Loving
Tall
Handsome
Young
But “perfect” is honestly a horrible way to define what I want, because as the child of an Asian tiger mom, I know that demanding perfection hurts everyone. Instead, after reading Visakanv’s “Are you serious?”, I realized what I really wanted all this time is to be a serious person who demands seriousness from others.
Just to be clear, seriousness does not mean I’m no longer funny and clever and witty and horny as hell. Seriousness does not mean I’m going to stop typing “come” and “become” as “cum 💦” and “becum 💦.” Seriousness, according to Visakanv, is to express love and curiosity earnestly. That’s what I want - not just in a relationship, but out of life in general:
To love and express curiosity
To be treated with love and curiosity
Doesn’t that sound wonderful?
To close off, let’s talk about my latest situationship (again.)
There were two points that Visakan brought up that really articulated why, despite all the internet advice telling me I was moving too fast, I felt justified asking New Boy to be exclusive and official so early on.
This is me quoting him quoting a tweet he wrote himself:
This is me quoting him quoting his ex-boss:
You never really know what being serious means in your context till you try to be serious. So people might in good nature start out wanting to be serious. But you might not prepared for the fact that your notion of serious is going to possibly change quite radically and disillusion you.
What this translates into is:
I was ready to commit to New Boy not because the sex was good, his jokes were funny, and he had a job. I was ready to commit because it seemed like he was slow to anger, quick to forgive, and willing to talk things out, which were qualities I would want in someone who would upset, disappoint, annoy, and frustrate me more than anybody else. And, I was ready to commit because there wasn’t really anything I could do with this “seem” other than actually test it and find out if I was indeed, radically disillusioned.
So, I thought, as my fellow brother in tech, he could understand this was just applying agile practices to dating. We could fail fast, iterate, and move on, but he interpreted commitment as marriage, and I can’t tell if it’s because he’s dumb, I’m bad at communicating, or he’s the type to schedule meetings to talk about meetings and doesn’t understand the difference between
const girlfriend = wife
girlfriend = ex // causes compile time error
and
let girlfriend = wife
girlfriend = ex // passes
For my readers who don’t code, I’ll explain it like this:
New Boy literally asked me “if we date, am I allowed break up with you later?”
And this is how I responded: